Day 4: Butterfly

I'm in a small red car. Slightly tired and nervous about something. This anxiety wraps around my head like a blanket to a cold baby. The sun is shining on a green, gracious field. It stretches out far ahead, I wonder where it’s going. Maybe somewhere like me. If God gave my brain feet, I would lose my head. I’d run away and never stop. Tumbling and tumbling, soon I fall. When I open my mouth, the air smells funny and makes me car sick. The driver hums loudly to the music playing. I feel at ease. David Bowie is dancing on the radio. His words speed up and I feel a disco ball in my heart. Light it up life, Light it up. Animals, loads of animals run in the middle of the street and block our way. We wait for 5 minutes until they’re gone. A lamb, a horse, a goat, a peacock. Maybe heaven is calling out for me to build an arc for the moving animals. I think of purpose. My driver hums louder and louder until I get a headache.
With a throbbing skull and soft heart, I fade into the clouds and leave the car behind.

Day 3: Chrysalis

A partner read my poem and gave me some suggestions.

First, my partner said to take out the “what a ride” part at the end of the poem because it made the ending seem cheesy. He also said I should remove extra words that take away the meaning of what I’m really saying. For example I said “I feel at ease now”. If I take away the “now”, it makes me overall emotions a little more clear throughout the poem. Since I’m changing how I feel so much, using different words do matter. He liked how descriptive it was and how he felt like he was apart of the ride. The mystery through the piece made it compelling but changing word choice will keep that excitement in the poem.

Day 2: Caterpillar Stage

Original edited poem:

I'm in a small red car. Slightly tired and nervous about something. The sun is shining on a green field. Out far ahead, I wonder where it’s going. Maybe somewhere like me. I have no idea. The air smells funny and makes me car sick. The driver hums loudly to the music playing. I feel at ease now.  Animals, loads of animals run in the middle of the street and block our way. We wait for 5 minutes until they’re gone. My driver hums louder and louder until I get a headache. What a ride.

Caterpillar edit: I added more to it because it was too short. I also added more sensory details.

I'm in a small red car. Slightly tired and nervous about something. This anxiety wraps around my head like a blanket to a cold baby. The sun is shining on a green, gracious field. It stretches out far ahead, I wonder where it’s going. Maybe somewhere like me. If God gave my brain feet, I would lose my head. I’d run away and never stop. Tumbling and tumbling, soon I fall. When I open my mouth, the air smells funny and makes me car sick. The driver hums loudly to the music playing. I feel at ease now. David Bowie is dancing on the radio. His words speed up and I feel a disco ball in my heart. Light it up life, Light it up. Animals, loads of animals run in the middle of the street and block our way. We wait for 5 minutes until they’re gone. A lamb, a horse, a goat, a peacock. Maybe heaven is calling out for me to build an arc for the moving animals. I think of purpose. My driver hums louder and louder until I get a headache. What a ride.

Day 1: Egg Stage

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1. Describe where you were when you started writing this piece & what was on your mind.
I was in class when I started writing this piece. I was thinking about a time I was in an Uber and I was in deep thought about what I saw outside. I kind of exaggerated the animals stopping in the street so I mostly thought about movies.In a lot of scenes usually animals will be crossing the road and it holds the car up. I saw the animals as my thoughts and how I overthink about most things. My thoughts may stop me from moving or getting where I need to be.


2. What kind of sentences did you use? Are there other patterns you notice?
I mostly used a lot of declarative sentences. I’m telling the reader about my emotions and how I feel. I mostly notice a repetitive pattern of me saying “I”. I’m talking about myself and what I’m experiencing.

3. What themes do you notice in this piece?
A theme I notice in this piece is nature. I’m writing about my surroundings and all of them are the things I see outside to my own human nature. Another theme could be human condition.

4. What were your intentions for this piece? Where do you see this piece going?
My intentions were to move the piece like the car I was in. I wanted to show that as I drive off, my thoughts and feelings get deeper. The surroundings are moving me as well. Everything is movement and that intertwines with my own thinking. I see this piece being a little more descriptive.